Preparing My Heart

As parents we are always in preparation mode. From the moment of their birth we begin to teach our children about the world around them. We allow them to explore and challenge themselves while we act as their safety net. Ultimately, we pray that our guidance and instruction helps them grow to be loving, kind, independent, and happy.

For the past few months at our house we have been preparing for Cassidy to enter Kindergarten. Because her birthday falls on September 16, just two weeks past the cut-off date for admission, we had to apply for Kindergarten Early Entry. When we first decided to apply for early entry, I was not prepared for the road ahead. This was not the simple evaluation and testing at the elementary school that I went through as a child (I started 1st grade at the age of 5). The requirements were so strenuous and time consuming that one could only assume the county wanted to discourage parents from even applying. But, we felt strongly that Cassidy was more than ready to start school - that holding her out another year would be a disservice to her - so we forged ahead.

The first step was testing through NCSU's psychology department - an IQ test and testing in reading and math. The county required that she score in the 98th percentile to be considered for early admission. We were warned multiple times by people at both the county and the university that most children do not meet the requirements - again I felt as if they were trying to discourage me - but nonetheless we scheduled her testing at the end of May. She met the testing requirements and we were thankful to have crossed the first hurdle.

Step Two was submitting a portfolio - yes, I said portfolio - that contained legal documents (birth certificate, health assessment, school forms, immunization records, test scores), two letters of recommendation, and work samples that showed exceptional work in mathematics, sciences, social interaction, dramatic play, creative production, art, and problem solving. The portfolio also had to include writing samples and a list of books that Cassidy could read independently. I labored over the portfolio and when it was finished it was a beautiful 2-inch binder that (I hoped) showed off my precious first-born's many abilities.

I took Cassidy's portfolio to the county office in person so that I could physically hand it to someone in the proper department and then, except for an e-mail to our elementary school principal, the process was out of my hands. It took a couple of weeks for the "committee" at the county office to review and approve her for consideration by the school. The portfolio was passed along to the school and we were then contacted and asked to bring Cassidy in to spend a day with the Kindergarten classes as part of a full-day evaluation.

That day was yesterday. So, at 8:20 a.m. I handed my baby girl over to a complete stranger, who happened to be a very nice Kindergarten teacher, and left. I had steeled myself for that moment - she was excited and I wanted to do nothing to take away from her joy and her love of school. And I was actually OK. I knew she was going to have an awesome day.

What I had not prepared my heart for was for what happened when I picked her up. As soon as we got out of the school, she burst into tears telling me she didn't like it and she was not going back. She had learned a big lesson, "Kindergarten is NOT the same as preschool!" Some boys were mean to her...they called her stinky. Many of the kids were misbehaving, "I was the best one there! I was always doing the right thing!" The lunchroom was noisy and the teachers kept yelling out how much time they had left...she didn't have time to finish her lunch. They didn't have a snack as I had promised they would. She was tired, hungry, and frustrated and all her woes came out in one big tidal wave. In the car she was yelling, "Attention Kindergarten Teachers: I will not be back to school ever again!" (At the time I was horrified...having flashbacks to when I started school and came home after the first day and dictated as my mother wrote a letter to my teacher that echoed those exact sentiments...however, I do now see the humor in her outburst.)

I was at a loss. We had worked so hard to get to this point...to get her into school. She had walked into that building this morning with excitement and love for school...now she hated it? My heart sank. What were we supposed to do now?

Trying to conceal any emotion, I comforted her, "Come on. Let's go home and we'll sit and talk about it." She ate the rest of her lunch on the way home, cooled off, and started to play once we were at home. I sat near her and started to ask questions about her day. "What did you do first?" Hesitant at first, she started to describe the activities of the day. Her face began to light up and she began to giggle as she told about some of the fun things she had done and some of the friends she had made. When our conversation was over she acknowledged that there were "26 good things in the day and 3 bad things" - she made up the numbers, but I'll take them because it's a landslide in favor of the good.

It took me a bit longer than Cassidy to process her day. As her mother, my first instinct is to protect her from anything that would hurt her, but it is also my job to prepare her to stand on her own, to deal with difficult people and situations, to do the right thing when everyone else is doing the wrong thing. I hate it. I hate that the world is not like preschool, where they still pray at mealtime and where calling someone "underwear head" is a major offense. But, it's not and I have to prepare my heart so that I can help her deal with the hurt, disappointment, and frustrations that sometimes come with growing up and living in our imperfect world.

It helps me to remember that this time in our lives is not even a drop in bucket to the eternity that we will spend with God and his Son, Jesus Christ. And when that day comes, all our past sorrows will be washed away and there will be no more sadness or pain. What a great day that will be!

The best news from Cassidy's day at school - the teachers were very impressed with her and had already given a positive report. I am sure they realized that she had been put through an especially challenging day - she was there all day with total strangers on the 3rd to last day of school (so everyone was even wilder than usual) with students who were 2 years older than her and all knew each other AND they rotated her throughout the day between 3 Kindergarten classrooms - and they were pleased to see her handle it without a major meltdown. A school committee will meet in the next few days to make a final decision about her admission to school, but we are hopeful that we will be able to officially register her for school soon. And next time she walks through those school doors, my heart will be better prepared to help her deal with the challenges she'll face.