Waiting

I...we...our family...is waiting right now. Waiting on our house to sell (again), waiting on the new house God will provide for us, and, most of all, waiting for our precious, baby girl to decide she's ready to finally join our family. Last night as I lay in bed, I thought about how different this experience, this pregnancy, this past year has been for all of us. Last August the only change we planned to make in our family was to begin homeschooling...and that in itself was a monumental undertaking. But then came putting our house up for sale and, oh yes, let's have a baby, too! It is only by the grace of God that we are here - patiently waiting and praying and believing - because it is His love and His Word that have brought us peace amongst the challenges and obstacles and pure exhaustion.

Sadly, this pregnancy has been the thing I've thought about least during these last nine months. Nine years ago when I was pregnant with Cassidy, she had my undivided attention. I thought about her, planned for her, talked to her and about her all the time. She was THE most important thing going on in my little world...and I'm sure I was the picture of the stereotypical first-time mom. My third daughter, my fifth child, has received no special treatment. In fact, she's received very little attention at all. In my world right now only the things (or people) that are right in front my face screaming for my immediate focus receive my attention. There are just too many responsibilities, too many little ones that need me, and there is little to no time to sit and daydream about who she will be, what her precious face looks like, contemplate which of the six (yes, she only has 6 and only 1 is new) sleepers she will wear first, or imagine what she'll look like sleeping next to me in the pack-n-play (because she won't get to sleep in a crib until we move...hopefully soon).

I was feeling kind of guilty about this - that very soon she would be born with little to no fanfare into a family that loved her very much, but had not and was not really prepared for her as we had been for her brothers and sisters. A few nights ago, I mentioned this to Joey, "Is it bad that she's going to be here in a next week and I haven't even thought about packing for the hospital? I mean, we don't even have diapers for her."

"I just was saying the other day to someone, 'Yeah, so I've got 2 tennis matches and a meeting this week and then next week the baby will be born'...and I realized that she was REALLY coming and that I was thinking about her as part of my checklist," was his response. Yep. That's exactly what she's been, something on my to-do list: homeschool lesson plans, co-op, laundry, clean house, house showing, pay bills, give birth.

It seems strange to think of her that way, but the reality is that she is not just ONE, she is ONE of MANY, and that position will carry its own set of advantages and disadvantages. She'll rarely have our undivided attention, but she will have four siblings doting on her and spoiling her. She will never be lonely. She won't have as many photos taken or as many pages in her baby book completed, but her life will be full of fun and excitement because she'll get to tag along on many of her brothers and sisters adventures from the time she's born. She'll wear lots of hand-me-downs, but she'll have the joy of hearing her sisters tell stories of when they wore those same outfits.

Maybe best of all is what she'll get from me and Joey. I think about the me of 10 years ago and how the move into this house was so overwhelming and exhausting...at age 25 and with no children in tow. I think about the me of 9 years ago and how pregnancy and childbirth and that first year of parenting were so overwhelming and exhausting. I was maxed out. How would that girl have handled the roller coaster that has been this past year? It's funny how time and perspective change you. Instead of the homeschool/moving/pregnancy trifecta being exponentially harder than A MOVE or A PREGNANCY, it has been less stressful than those earlier seasons in our lives because of a decade of growing closer in our relationship with God, deepening our relationship with each other, and gaining perspective.

So our baby girl gets the benefit of parents who are better able to take life in stride...both the ups and the downs. She gets parents who are better able to adapt to unexpected changes and stay calm in the midst of chaos. She will be born into a home and a family whose heart is more peaceful...although the house itself will be pretty loud most of the time! She'll get the benefit of all the mistakes that we made with the first four and won't have to deal with every light in the house being turned on for a 2am diaper change or our confusion over how to put her in her carseat. (She will, however, probably have to deal with a trip to Walmart in a dirty diaper because I forgot to put more diapers in the bag...but she'll survive.) On the whole - despite the glaring oversights in our preparations for her arrival - she's going to have it pretty good.

All this to say to my sweet, baby girl...we are waiting for you. We aren't ready in a physical sense, but our hearts are ready for you...they've been ready since we saw those two blue lines that told us you were coming. We are excited to meet you, to smother you with hugs and kisses, to memorize every inch of your darling face. And whatever we're missing, whatever you need, well, we'll figure that out as we go. So come whenever you're ready...we'll be waiting.